Non-violent Communication Exercise

Aims of the tool

The aim of this tool is to stimulate more compassionate, non-violent communication between young people, which would consequently lead to reducing the potential for violence and radicalization among them.

Description of the tool

Preparations:

- On four separate A4 papers write the words OBSERVATION, FEELINGS, NEEDS, REQUEST;
- On three separate A4 papers write these three sentences:
My brother is so disgusting.
My brother always leaves his dirty socks on the floor in the bathroom.
I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty socks on the bathroom floor because I need to be able to move about more freely. I'd like you to start putting your socks in the dirty clothes basket.

Time needed: 40 min.

Instructions:

1. Invite the participants to say aloud feelings they have when their NEEDS are being met. You could prompt with this example, "When you have been nervous about competition and you end up playing really well, you feel... ". (Possible answers could be: glad, joyous, relieved, energetic, inspired, amazed, appreciative, grateful, confident, optimistic, touched, comfortable, eager, fulfilled, hopeful, moved, proud, stimulated, thankful…).
2. After this, invite the participants to list feelings when NEEDS are not being met. Possible answers could be: angry, anxious, irritated, disappointed, confused, distressed, frustrated, hopeless, nervous, puzzled, sad, annoyed, concerned, discouraged, depressed, embarrassed, helpless, impatient, lonely, reluctant, uncomfortable.
3. At this point stress the connection between negative feelings/reactions and a situation when one’s needs have not been met.
4. Present the A4 papers with the words OBSERVATION, FEELINGS, NEEDS, REQUEST in this very same order, explaining that these are four key steps for communicating in a nonviolent way: there is a certain situation which you observe; this situation provokes certain feelings in you; you need this situation to be changed; you kindly request for this situation to be changed so that your needs could be met.
5. Draw the participants’ attention to the importance and meaning of OBSERVATION by comparing the papers with the sentence “My brother is so disgusting” and the sentence “My brother always leaves his dirty socks on the floor in the bathroom”, making a clear distinction between judgment (first sentence) and observation (second sentence). Explain that it is important to be aware of the role we play in creating conflicts and triggering violence. If we judge others, they are likely to get defensive and be unwilling to hear our needs. If we are judged, we are unlikely to really listen to others.
6. Present the paper with the sentence “I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty socks on the bathroom floor because I need to be able to move about more freely. I'd like you to start putting your socks in the dirty clothes basket”, replacing the “My brother is so disgusting” paper and explaining this latter sentence is an example of non-violent communication aimed at triggering a more compassionate reaction from the other person, and which encompasses all four abovementioned non-violent communication steps. Ask the participants to identify the steps.
7. Divide participants into pairs or smaller groups and ask them to discuss another situation: A child in a class with behavioral difficulties has become increasingly frustrating for the teacher. This child becomes aggressive when other students get too close to his desk (spitting, swearing, stabbing with a pencil), which triggers a fight with the others. How would this child react if using non-violent communication? (For example, he could say: I see that you are coming too close to my desk, and that makes me feel angry. Would you please move away from my desk?)
8. Finish the exercise with questions for reflection:
- Which of the four steps of non-violent communication do you find critically important?
- What do you think non-violent communication has to do with the understanding between people? And with the feeling of injustice?
- What do you think non-violent communication has to do with violence and radicalization of young people?